[personal profile] imagines
This is what happens when I write during church. It stands on its own, but I say "part one" anyway, because by the time I was through writing it, I was already thinking of what would happen should Crowley meet Cain, Abraham, Noah, Jezebel, etc. etc. good God but there are a lot of people in the Bible. And Crowley-in-my-head wants to screw with them all. We'll see whether I get around to letting him.

The Bible According to Crowley, Part 1: The Beginning
Good Omens, Crowley gen (at least until Aziraphale shows up)
In which Crowley gives God constructive criticism.


Part 1: The Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all the angels.

And an angel opened his big mouth and said, "Lord, that was not thy best idea ever."

And God ignored the angel and created light.

And the angel looked upon the earth and said, "My goodness. That is something of an ugly lump. No offence."

And God took great offence indeed, put His fingers in His ears, and blanketed the earth in a protective atmosphere.

And the angel examined the future and saw that one day a hole would be torn in the atmosphere by the earth's inhabitants. And he said nothing, for he was not one to thwart wiles.

And God secretly agreed that the earth was rather an ugly lump, and He brought forth green things to cover the soil.

And the angel said, "That's the first bright thing thou hast done all week," and clapped God on His back.

And God barely kept Himself from smiting the angel, for His anger management classes had taught Him to think first, smite later. And He set lights in the sky around the earth, gigantic and glittering balls of—

"Gas," said the angel. And he snickered behind his hands.

And God forgave him, for he had only existed for a few days and could not yet be expected to be mature. And God placed upon the earth creatures of all shapes and sizes.

And the angel looked at the birds in the air, and the fish in the sea, and the beasts on the land, and the platypi that made him wonder if God was smoking something, and the Loch Ness monster. And his eyes widened, and he asked God, "Who's going to clean up after them all?"

And God said, "I'm one step ahead of thee." And He created a mirror to see what He looked like, and He molded dirt and water into two of his many images and breathed Life into them. And He set them upon the earth to do all the dirty work.

And the angel saw that it was very good. And he asked God to send him down there too.

And God, against His better judgement, did just as the angel asked.
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